My expectations of love created doors I often viewed as closed. Or doors I thought needed to be opened in order to have access to. Not understanding doors as opportunities to be invited in. And not based on what I could offer. Yet, presented as as a possibility to experience. To grow into relationally.
I wanted love to be shown to me. I wanted love to be so apparent I could not question it. I wanted to feel safe. Valued. Respected. Admired. Adored. My view distorted by my life experiences. Life reminding me of what was missing, where I was lacking, and why I was not worthy.
Love was conditional as far as I could observe. Conditional meaning that in order for me to experience love in its fullest, I must work for it. I must cleanse myself of something. I needed to become more presentable. I need to become valuable in order to be valued. Love, for me, was something only the best quality of humans were experiencing. Definitely not for this kid. I had too much baggage. Too much of a “past” for someone to see it all and want to still love me.
My mom painting an image that me being born was not enough for her to put me first. My first girlfriend reminding me that I was far from my fullest potential to stay committed. Again, love being something external only the worthy had access to.
How much heart ache comes with that? How much suffering lived out of that belief. A journey to find treasure. Constantly looking for clues on which step to take next. Each one getting me closer to something so rare. Each mistake followed with anxiety. Getting me further away from my peace. When will I find it?
Understanding that I am human with many aspects contributing to the stories I tell myself, I can be aware that life experiences can began to create beliefs about love. Reaffirming and building confidence or stripping away the notion that it exists.
The only love that exists for me is the love that I give. For how others show love to me has nothing to do with me. The way others do not show love to me has nothing to do with me. I AM love. And no one can take that from me.
No person or circumstance can diminish the love that exists for me in a moment. Love is a choice. Something I choose to live in, unconditionally. Love does not wait for me to make a mistake. Love does not wait for me to become. Love is not dependent upon what I can do for it. Love exists. Always. As it is. Never changing.
The safest place for love to exist is not in relationships. But within me. Unconditionally being present. No expectations of what it could be. Only acceptance of what it is. I AM love.
And what does that mean for you? For me, it means I am always worthy. Already of incredible value. I am at my fullest potential in this moment. I am ever present and not alone.
I spent 30 years looking for something I was already in possession of. My emotional state being driven by something apart from me. Chained to circumstances and people. Dragged along.
We often spend energy dating, talking with others long hours, kissing, holding hands, and much more just to get a glimpse of something so moving as love. What about dating yourself? Talking long hours getting to know yourself? Cherishing moments being with yourself? The good we see in others is often more than what we see in ourselves. Attaching to them as cover. And as time goes by, it will be someone else. Something else. A journey alone. As it should. For love is a one person task. Mine. Something created. Not something found.
As you live out 2019, connect with others by being love without expectations. Love without conditions. Love forever not until. Love with opportunity not offense. As the seasons love each other, respectfully allowing, gracefully giving and receiving, so shall we love each other through seasons, giving and receiving. With no offense. And may love triumph for you as it has for me.