At 14 I somehow got the attention of a girl who kind of liked me too. We talked on the phone for hours one day. And one day, we decided to be a couple. Whatever that meant.
I walked her to class. Kissed her occasionally. Held her hand. Wrote letters. Wrote poetry. Then one day, she told me she wanted to be friends. I balled in front of my classmates. It was awkward.
This love thing was complicated.
I masked my confusion with anger. I became non communicative. Looked at the world differently. I deserved to be loved was a feeling I could not shake.
Rejection seemed to be everywhere. I was completely unaware. Oblivious to what was apparent.
I was a hurt ego making my way through life. Compounded by what I did not know.
This was another encounter that would set the tone for how I viewed love.
There was something wrong with me. Something about me that was not acceptable. Unacceptable to unconditional love.
I needed to be taller. I needed to have lighter skin. I needed to be out of poverty. All these insecurities I had became my reasons for not being loved. Reenforcing what had played out that night when I was 3. Furthering implanting the way I would approach connection.
Not understanding what I was, a human being with 6 aspects contributing to the way I processed life, I lacked sense. Childish. Undeveloped. Immature. Chasing love.
It wouldn’t be until 20 years later I would unravel that love is always present.
As a teen, love was something external. Something I searched for outside of me. Make me feel loved. Valentines Day, homecoming, prom, and random parties all became a landscape to manifest a glimpse of what it could be. Someone see me. Someone acknowledge my presence.
A void that was not there. A void I had misunderstood. A heart ache I was confused about. The more I searched, the more heartache I encountered.
The danger in searching for love at any age, is our belief that it needs to be found. Our desire to assign a concrete image of it. What better image than yourself.
Be transformed by renewing your mind. Love is available. And ever present. Not wrapped in a bow. And wrapped in something more. As we choose our emotional state, so to we choose to be love. To detach from attachment. From security. In something outside of us. And cling to something inside of us.
What is love to you? Live that out. Be love. Be love to others. And you will need no more.
In week 4 I will breakdown when and where love can exist. In safe place. Not to be freely given and received. Your love is valuable and deserves to be protected.
We must first understand our love before desiring love from another.